Courtyard by Marriott Montvale (Room 128)

Alright, let's talk Courtyard by Marriott Montvale. Room 128.

It's a Courtyard. You already know the assignment. We were there for a close friend's wedding and the whole party basically ate an entire floor. First impression was fine. Unpacked, jumped in the shower, and the toilet in 128 starts running on what felt like a 90-second timer and will not quit. Welcome to New Jersey.

Hotel is "fairly clean" until you look at how they clean. Housekeeping does not mop. They drag mildew-scented water out of a dirty bucket and paint the floor with it. Surface cleaner is so watered down every table around the grounds is left with that sticky film you try to wipe off and just smear around.

Parking lot is terrible. Knocked-over light poles. Unlit walkways. We rolled in around 10pm after sitting in traffic from Ohio, starving, wanting a couple drinks. Hotel bar hits us with last call at 10:25 on a FRIDAY and bar management throws us out for a private party. Friday night. Hotel bar. Closed.

Wi-Fi is a data-harvesting hustle. Register your phone and email or you don't get online. I was not born yesterday. You are not selling my info for the privilege of loading a webpage. Indoor cell service is dead. Feels like the building was poured around a jammer. Step into the parking lot and it's perfect 5G. That's speculation. It also tracks.

Pillows make you wish you packed your own. Mattress is okay. You'll sleep. Too soft for me. Mini fridge hiding by the door like it's ashamed. Bathroom has a stupid French door with glass you can basically see through and a mirror placed so you can sit on the bed and watch whoever's in there. Wardrobe smelled like mildew. LG TV with basic cable and YouTube if you want to sign into your account on a hotel box. Not doing that.

Saturday we woke up, grabbed food, came back, and started getting ready for the wedding. Wife is in the bathroom post-shower. Steam. Hair product everywhere. That is when their little Rest Air snitch box decided we were vaping. Nobody knocked. Nobody inspected. Nobody said a word Saturday. Nobody said a word Sunday. Then they slap a $500 smoking/vaping fee on the card like it's gospel because a wall sensor saw particles. It was hairspray and a shower. We did not vape. We did not smoke. They still charged us and treated the dispute like we were lying to their face.

Sunday checkout we wake up to a full blackout. No power in the hotel. We packed, half-assed made the bed, stacked towels and rags so housekeeping didn't have to hunt, walked to the desk like adults. For what this place costs, the location, the "amenities," you should not need a predatory $500 sensor fine and a "no you don't get to fight it" attitude when you did nothing wrong.

If you don't mind paper-thin walls, mediocre beds, a parking lot that wants you dead, a bathroom built for an audience, and a brand that will rob you with a PDF, rent the room.

Before the bogus charge: 7.5/10

After they stole $500 with a sensor report and zero inspection: 3/10